Take two ibuprofen and call me in the morning.

Recently I got to dole out some relationship advice to one of my good friends. Well, relationship ending advice, to be more specific. She was my college roommate sophomore year and has been a great friend ever since. We'll call her Rocket. (I've decided that short, fun nicknames are best. So there.) She hadn't been in a serious relationship until we neared the later years of college. She started dating a boy who went to the same high school that I did, and they hit it off well at the start. It was cute and they seemed like a good fit for each other. They had been dating for a year and a couple of months, and when I went down to visit her this last time I got the feeling things weren't smooth sailing. After a night of drinking box wine and cheap drinks we started chatting about relationships, like those imbibing are wont to do, and it really sounded like a common case of people just going in opposite directions. Being the serial monogamist that I am, I've had the chance to experience that first hand and through the eyes of some of my bff's relationships falling away. But this was a first for her.

Now if you haven't noticed by now, I'm an only child. Unless you count my furry brother. I've never had an older sister to give me dating advice or a younger sibling to vainly try and help them make good choices. But I've had three times the amount of serious relationships that Rocket has had, so that made me the expert. Granted, expert by default because we were the only two people there, but the expert nonetheless!

my old man puppy. he's 11! 

note: not at all relevant to this story.

I finally feel okay enough with myself and understand the workings of relationships enough that sometimes- actually, most of the time, relationships just don't work out. Sometimes it's because someone in the relationship is a giant bag of douche who cheats, or is mean, or some other terrible thing; but more often than not, it's that things just aren't "right" for the two people involved. It could be anything from wanting different things, enjoying different lifestyles, moving away, fading emotions or just really bad timing. And I'm finally understanding the concept of 'Just because I'm a nice person and you're a nice person, doesn't mean we're right for each other.' A lot of the times you are doing everything you can- just being yourself, which is all anyone should ask, but it's just not the right fit.

And that sure as hell doesn't make breaking up any easier. I've NEVER had an easy breakup, but I finally feel that I've been able to learn from all of them. Rocket wasn't sure how to bring it up or how at all to break up with someone. Now I'm a little rusty on being the dumper- it's been a few years. But being a fairly recent dumpee has left me with some things that I think are important in breakups. At least those in the 1-3 year timelines, which is the only experience I have.

• They should always be done in person, whenever possible. You have invested yourself into this person and relationship- you owe face time to end it. Don't be a coward.

• Don't lie about why the relationship is ending. [Note: this is the hardest, because the other person is already hurting and you don't want to hurt them any more]. Use tact, don't be rude, but don't lie. It's hurts more when you find out the reason for the breakup was a lie later on.

•   Cut off all contact. Don't try to be friends right away. If you're saying 'Whatever- I can totally be friends right away with my ex!' then you are the exception to this rule. Then use personal judgement. I think friendship is possible at some point, with some relationships- but it takes time. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year. Maybe a few years. Just rip off the bandaid all at once and cut off contact right away.

I don't really think there's any such thing as a "good breakup," but they're necessary evils. Maybe having some guidelines can help some people reduce their angst that comes with it. I have some rules for the dumpee, too- but that's for another day.

What are your breakup rules?

Still bringing it back

I flew out to California on my own for Spring Break '08. My roommates were roadtripping to Texas and my other bff was studying abroad. I was invited to Texas, but it was after I had already told my Pseudo (pseudo-roomie from France, remember?) that I would try to visit her. It was a direct flight and the lady next to me gave me her cookie. Break was clearly off to a better start than the past few months had been.

 

Ah, California.

 Don't you love giraffe shaped plants?

My pseudo picked me up and we had a fantastic week together. It was pretty low key, and involved going out to eat, to a movie, the beach, and big adventure in tracking down a Wii. Warm weather and good times were just what I needed. My last day there we went to the zoo before she dropped me off at the airport. The day before, it had been the Guy Who Loves to Fish's birthday. I had sent him a text (against the sound reasoning that told me I probably shouldn't), but never heard anything back. I was a little down about it, but tried not to think about it too much. I was more depressed that I was wearing flip flops and a tank top and when my flight landed it would be zero degrees. Not an exaggeration. Unless I traveled somewhere warm, my spring break always wound up being winter break, pt 2.

Where was I? Oh, the airport. My pseudo dropped me off and after a bit of wandering on my part, I finally found where to check in. I made it through the security check point - does anybody else ever feel like it's a race you'll never win going through those? I always feel rushed and that I fail when it comes to gathering my belongings. The person behind you is giving you the evil eye all because you can't put your shoes on while putting your laptop back in your bag and your belt on and oh shit I forgot my ticket on the conveyer belt? Just me? Ah... So I'm trying to complete the "gather your things before the person behind you shoves you out of the way" process, and when I finally stumble into my flip flops and look up, 4 guys are staring at me.

I slowed down wondering if I was supposed to know them, or if I had my coat on backwards, or maybe they saw me leave something behind, but then one of them asked me where I was going. I told them my destination, and it turns out that's where they were going too. We established we had both been on spring break and chose to spend it in sunny California. The guys invited me to go get some food with them, and while I was all prepared with my 'borrowed' book (sorry, Pseudo. I still have your book that I forgot to ask you if I could borrow..) and iPod to pass the time alone, I figured why not? The two hours til boarding would probably go faster with others to talk to.

This is where it got strange. It turns out they went to the same college that I did. And I did recognize one of them, because he was in the same program as my ex (yes, the Guy Who Loves to Fish. But they weren't really friends. Whew.). After eating, we went to our terminal and played cards for awhile. One of the guy's fiancee was picking their group up from the airport, and dropping off one of them right near where I lived. Now kids- DON'T FOLLOW MY LEAD. They asked if I wanted a ride, and because we were landing after midnight and I lived a good 45 minutes from the airport, I agreed. My mom only had to drive 10 minutes to a nearby mall to pick me up instead of all the way to the airport. I know, I know. Nothing says "Bad Decision" like getting in a car with 4 guys you just met ON SPRING BREAK, but we had been hanging out for 2 hours and it was pretty clear that they were who they said they were. And lucky enough for me, they turned out to be normal, non-creepers and actually dropped me off with absolutely no shadiness.




Okay, great story Chance. What's the point here? I promise there is one. What, you don't want to wait for my next update? Well here's a teaser: It was a 3x3 seated plane, and I was 2 rows behind the guys. I had my iPod and pillow out, a window seat, and I was ready for the 3 hour flight home. It was a fully booked plane, save for one open seat. It was next to the one guy in the group who was sitting alone in a row in front of the rest of his friends. They all were waving at me to come sit by them, and after some serious- I'm talking about a whole minute of decision making here- deliberation, I switched seats. The guy I ended up next to? None other than Wings.

*All are personal photos

Misadventures in dating: The beginning

In my opinion, one of the biggest steps necessary in getting over a break up is getting yourself back out there. I'm of the belief that one of the best ways to get over someone is by finding someone new who is fun and exciting. It not only offers some much needed distraction, but is also proof that there is still potential for great relationships out there. (One potential complication, of course, is the 'rebound effect.' Remind me to expound on that later.)

So recently I decided my next step was to follow my own advice. I was finally fully moved in to a new apartment in an exciting part of the city, and no longer stuck in suburbia where everything exciting (and I use that term loosely) seems to close by 9pm. It was easier for me to see myself even attempting dating if I knew I wouldn't have to let mom know every time I was going on a date (and those poor boys wouldn't be forced to potentially meet my parents every time they picked me up!). Living in your parents' basement, while great for your bank account, is really a game killer. But I digress.

I started going out to some nearby bars with my friends or roommates and would actually give out my number periodically. Now bars don't really seem like the ideal place to meet guys, but let's be real. I'm still new at this whole dating game and bars are easy. Maybe I'll up my game to a classier location in the future, but don't hate on my rookie status too much.

Well one of these boys I gave my number to actually contacted me well before midnight to ask me out to coffee. I figure I gotta start dating, so why not? No time like the present. Stories of my first foray into dating PB (post-breakup) to come.


How did you first venture back out into the dating world? Or did a relationship just fall into your lap? (p.s: been there, done that.)

Everyone needs a day off

Just a quick hello! I'm spending the weekend in the town of my alma matter, just getting away for a mini-vacay. It's involving best friends, dranks, time off and good times! Hope you're all having a fab weekend too!

Perfectly Lonely

Even though John Mayer is pretty much a tool, the guy knows how to put on a show. I got offered a chance to go to his show recently and was kind of so-so about it at first, thought about it, realized I like his music (and hey, free ticket!), so I decided to go. Wow. Thank goodness I did. The show was ah.MAY.zing. He is an incredible musician and the energy circulating through the arena was invigorating. I used to go to concerts all the time in high school and kind of burned out on them, but this brought me back to the joy of live music.

If you've ever listened to John Mayer's music, you know there are plenty of tunes about love and heartache. There were some days lately when I was listening to Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, I'm Gonna Find Another You, and Dreaming with a Broken Heart on repeat. Could I get any more emo? But at the show he played one of his newer songs, Perfectly Lonley, and talked about how that song could be either heartbreaking or lovely. For him right now, it's lovely. For me? It's lovely too. But I only realized it that night.

"Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see

Why I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely (Yeah)
'Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong"


In that moment, I felt young and full of possibilities (and cliches, apparently). I'm in my early twenties, and have been in relationships for the last 6 years with no more than 3 months in between boyfriends until this past May. And let's be honest, I was still tied up with the last guy until October. Why not be on my own for awhile? I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so here's a chance to figure it out. As much as I've cared about others, I really do need to take this time to care about me. I definitely miss the companionship the most, but as much as I'd like a guy to hang out with, I really don't have any desire for a new boyfriend right now. And I'm sure I will soon enough, but I finally got to thinking that you only have so much time in your life to be free of extra responsibilities, so now I just gotta figure out how to make the most of it.

And hope that this feeling stays around. Contentedness was a lot cooler to experience than longing. So note to self: as much as you may miss the ex, live in the now and appreciate this opportunity. Be single. Live for yourself for awhile. Love will come along.

But don't worry- I'll still spend plenty of time self-analyzing. I haven't quite figured out how to make the what-if shut up besides overpowering it with live music.

/sappiness. And my favorite part of the night? Might just have been opening the encore with Who Says. Can I say it again? ah.MAY.zing. I may have even been suckered into buying a concert shirt.

 

P.S. Don't you just love his faces?

Who is Chance?

I like traveling, reading magazines, and eating marshmallows straight out of the bag. I love how excited my dog is every time I see him. I don't have any solid hobbies. Unless you count watching tv, which I don't like to. It makes me sound lame. And even if I am lame, I don't need everyone to know that up front. My favorite movies are comedies and action movies where the focus of the movie is actually the plot and not just things blowing up. Like the Dark Knight. Or Star Trek. Or Armageddon. Don't hate.


Once I won a "Most Manly" competition, and I'm still not sure if that's something I should be proud of. It wasn't based on looks, I swear.


I thought I should share a little more about myself. How are you supposed to understand what I'm going through if you don't know anything about me? Granted, anonymity is still the partial goal- but mostly for the other parties who have been involved in my life. I figure I can let you know a little more about me so that I can keep convincing you I'm a real person. I swear! I exist! But anyway.

I'm a recent college grad, and call the Midwest home. I love it here, but sometimes toy with the idea of living in a different part of the country. Just to see what it would be like. Barring all unforeseen obligations (/opportunities?), I'm pretty sure I'll end up back in the Midwest when I finally settle down. There's just something about home, y'know? I loved my time in college and still miss it from time to time. I majored in Communication Studies and French, and had amazing professors and great opportunities on campus. As I mentioned before, I spent fall of my junior year in Paris and would do it again in a heartbeat. It was one of the most trying and rewarding experiences in my life thus far.

After graduating, I moved home, 3 hours away from where my life was the past four years, because I hadn't found a job yet. They aren't kidding when they say this is a rough economy. I applied all summer and actually got offered a job at the very end of summer that I had been "Thanks, but no thanks"-ed from a month earlier. The person they chose to hire left to take a new job offer, and they called to see if I was still available. I was pursuing another opportunity, but it wasn't a for-sure job. In times like these, you take what you can. I now work full-time doing the same thing I did for my internship in college, and while I'm not entirely sure it's where I'm supposed to be, I'm incredibly grateful to be employed and to be employed at a good institution. Two of my best friends that graduated with me are still looking for full time jobs in their fields, almost 9 months post graduation. And I may be a little biased, but I think they're pretty incredible candidates.

I lived in my parent's basement from this past June through December. Now I'm sure that's nobody's dream situation, but it gave me time to save money while job hunting and just starting out at my new job. However, I worked almost 30 miles from my place of employment. And did I mention I live somewhere that has rush hour? After 3 months of suffering through that commute, I knew I had to move closer. I turned to one of my new best friends, Craigslist, and the first place I looked at, I ended up choosing. I took over a sublease, have pretty cool roommates, and my apartment pretty much kicks ass. I was definitely worried about the skeeze factor associated with all things Craigslist, but I am happy to report that it is so far, so good. I moved over in January, and have been slowly adjusting to life in the city. Having social roommates right around the same age has helped greatly with me getting to know the neighborhood, and I only live 3 miles from where I work.

Change is not my best friend. Not in the least. But I'm finally feeling settled here- at least for the moment. My lease is up in July and who knows what's next. But I'm more okay with that than I would have expected.


Everyone still awake? Thanks for sticking around. I'll try not to judge you if you do the same for me. Even if you like Nickelback. Okay, I might judge you for that. But I'd look past it and still try to get to know you. What? All of their songs sound the same! What I'm trying to say is, the longer you stick around, the more you'll get to know me, I'm sure. At least now you have a bit of a background to stick that on. Anything else you want to know? I can't promise that I'll answer anything that gets too specific, but feel free to give it a shot.

Now bring it back

It's hard to understand any situation without knowing the context, so here's the backlog to mine. It's quite the story, so I'm sure it will end up in installments. As you know by now (I hope you know by now. You mean you don't know what I'm talking about? Just read my older posts and it should start to come together. Don't worry, it'll be fast. There's only like 2 or 3 so far.), I'm trying to figure out me, re: getting over my last breakup/what direction to go in next. The last guy I dated needs a nickname now, because I don't want you to get confused by me talking about more than one ex. We'll call him Wings, referring to both the way we met and an interest of his.

So here's the long story on how this most recent breakup came to be. In order to understand some of the complications with Wings, we have to hop in our hot tub time machine (anybody else thinks this movie looks ridiculous?!) and look at my earlier relationship with the Guy who Loves to Fish. Now the Guy who Loves to Fish really does love to fish more than anything else in life. Not even exaggerating. You want proof? He once told me, "Girl, there were fish before you and there'll be fish after you."

We started dating during my senior year of high school, wound up going to the same college, and that was probably the main reason we dated until partway though my junior year. I'm going to make this potentially long back story as short as possible. Our first year we were together, things were great. But college changes people, and we were going in two different directions. Things never got bad enough to end the relationship, but for a long time (I can now look back and see), it really wasn't good enough to keep going. I think both of us knew we weren't going to end up together, but we were comfortable. My junior year I studied abroad, and we decided to stay together. Like I said, I was comfortable. I didn't struggle with it. Not to mention the men in Paris are definitely not my type. Pointy loafers and man purses? Pants tighter than mine? Thanks but no thanks. I just had a blast traveling and seeing Europe. We would skype and talk online. I would call occasionally with my phone card. But he was busy and throughout the semester got harder to get a hold of. At the beginning of the semester, he made plans to visit me. Awesome, right? Well a month before my trip was over, he visited, and we didn't do much. He was tired and slept a lot, and wasn't eager to do much sightseeing. We found out afterward that he had mono during the trip, so I chalked it up to that.

But.

There's always a but, isn't there? I got home 3 days before Christmas, super pumped to see everyone and was ready to be home again. Then, on Christmas eve, he came over and broke up with me. I was blindsided, heartbroken, and oh yeah- got mono. I asked him if there was someone else. I had an inkling who it would have been (because a girl will ALWAYS know), but he said it was just that we weren't who we used to be. I spent Christmas break on the couch, sick with mono and heartache. I found out that he went on a date with the girl I was worried about Christmas afternoon. Someone I had considered a friend. They had been hanging out during the last semester, and I could tell that if there was anyone I would have to worry about when it came to him, it would be her.

I think more than the breakup hurt, the loss of trust was harder. I had spent the past 4 months in Paris, comfortable with our situation, thinking everything was fine. I came back and someone- who I thought loved me- was just waiting for the day to break up with me so that he could move on. With my friend. Not one of my best friends, thank god, but a friend nonetheless. I was shocked that he could be with someone new so fast. It was clear he had checked out during the semester, but I wasn't there to notice it. I was an ocean away.

I went back to school for spring semester and struggled. I still didn't understand how I didn't see it coming. And how, how could he possibly dating some new girl already? I found out later on that they officially started going out 12 days after he had broken up with me. I was shocked that someone who said they loved you could drop it so fast and seemingly not be affected. I had lost my love and was aching for weeks. Eventually, thanks to wonderful roommates and friends, I kept busy. Kept distracted with school, copious amounts of sleep (thanks in part to the mono), and with doing things with friends. I was still dragging a lot though, and figured a vacation far away from everything was what I needed. Thankfully I met a wonderful girl in Paris who was my pseudo-roomie. She told me I could go stay with her in California, where she lived, for my spring break. I took her up on it the day I found round trip tickets for $170 dollars.

The vacation was just what I needed, but also turned into something a little bit unexpected.

This tastes of hypocrisy.

I'll fully admit it now: I've made fun of personal blogs where people mope and whine about how things didn't work out. Feel free to make fun of me. [Actually, if you stumble on my Livejournal from 2003, please do make fun of me. Oh, angst.] I get that whole Karma thing. But, being as far removed as I can be at this point in the situation the goal for me now is to figure out the why. I was a communication studies major in college, and the whole research aspect to it has stuck with me. I'm sure I'll lament from time to time, but hopefully I'll be able to stick to figuring out the 'whys' without getting too 'woe is me.'

If I do take a turn for the dramatic, feel free to mock me back into focus.

But seriously folks. Why, after this time has passed, am I still getting pangs of nostalgia? Do I really miss him? Or just the companionship, or love? Am I ready to get myself back out there? What can I really learn from all this, because I have got to learn something about myself after going through this. I've always kind of figured that's how you accept the hell you sometimes have to go through- so you can look back at it and find something you can take with you as a learning experience. I'm well on my way to a quarter-life crisis, so I figure any of my shit I can get together now, the smaller the mental breakdown later.

And in case anyone is wondering (not that anybody in the great wide internet is), I've taken a nom de plume. You can call me Chanson. If anybody actually breaks through my fake identity, the pseudonym should make sense. But until then, Chanson it is. I'll answer to Chance too- doesn't everybody love a nickname? Any other humans who are lucky (unlucky?) enough to make their way into my blog will have baller nicknames as well, because they sure didn't ask to have their life stories broadcast out there. Well, maybe they have, but they didn't ask me. Which totally makes sense. Who walks up to their friend and says, "Dude! I am super awesome. Please, dear friend, write fantastic stories about me and post them on the web." What, your friends actually do that? Maybe I should find some more exciting pals...

So this is how it begins, eh?

It’s a pretty common story. Boy breaks up with girl. Girl crushed. Girl attempts to get boy back. It works. For 2 weeks. Boy breaks up with girl again. Attempt at friendship. Cut off all contact. Rinse, repeat. 

So why am I here? Well, for some reason ten months after it all went to hell and six months past the last point of contact, I can’t get that damn boy off my mind. And I’m sure my friends are sick of my analyzing and trying to figure out why- I sure as hell am. But I can’t quite figure out the main reason why I’m in my own way. What better way to theorize and self-analyze than on a blog that has a grand readership of one? So here begins the journey of a serial monogamist trying to figure out how to date and move onwards and upwards. Those who tag along for the ride will get a front row seat to some unsent letters, a look at what brought me to this point, some misadventures in ‘getting back out there,’ and maybe even some self-discovery. I apologize already. You can get off at the next stop if you want, I promise.